Little Ed's Carnival of Chaos
by Akiko Keeper of Sheep
Summary: The clue is in the name. "Even if the rest of the day went to hell, at least he could take comfort in the knowledge that he'd really annoyed Touya Akira." Knowledge of Buffy-verse not required. Poorly-disguised crack!fic. You have been warned.
1. Well Done, Medium Rair!

Little Ed's Carnival of Chaos

:::

By: Akiko, Keeper of Sheep

:::

Chapter One: Well Done, Medium Rair!

::::::::::

This was not what Waya had expected when he'd been told about the 'Go! Go! Igo!' Tour. Then again, he hadn't really given much thought to what it would be like. Still, even if he had expected something, it wouldn't have been this.

Sunnydale wasn't much of a town. It was tiny, devoid of any sort of fascinating tourist destinations, and full of strange people. Not just the usual culture-shock-strange, either - after spending three months surrounded by Americans, they had ceased to amuse (and sometimes disturb) him. The people of Sunnydale, though, were a whole different breed of weird.

They'd spoken at Sunnydale High School. Rather, Touya had spoken, ignoring the sounds of Shindou and Waya getting into a poking match behind him. They'd done their question-and-answer session, wherein lots of teenage girls giggled and asked them if they had girlfriends in Japan. Isumi and Nase had played a demonstration game, while Shindou and Waya commentated and Touya translated for them.

At first, Waya and Shindou had tried doing commentary in English. Unfortunately, neither of them had mastered the language, forcing them to rely on Touya for their verbal subtitles. It hadn't bothered Shindou, who was actually _friends_ with the aloof Go prodigy, but it rankled Waya.

Their hotel was a fairly decent one - they had a lovely suite with a kitchenette, fluffy pillows, and a view of two cemeteries. Why someone would put one cemetery up across the street from another was beyond Waya, but he was too exhausted from the constant travelling to bother asking anyone about it.

They had a free day before going back to Japan, and Shindou (of course, who _else_ caused enough trouble for three weirdness magnets) had spotted a flyer for a carnival.

The discussion that ensued was a lively one.

"Absolutely not, Shindou. I'm not going to any festival called 'Little Ed's Carnival of Chaos'."

"It's a carnival, not a festival," Shindou argued back, glowering at his rival. "The clue is in the name," he added snidely.

Touya rolled his eyes, buttoning up his white dress shirt. Waya snorted, busying himself with his cornflakes. At least, he conceded magnanimously, the uptight young man wasn't wearing a tie on their day off. He was even wearing _jeans_ Waya noticed, a little bemused. It was the most casual he'd ever seen Touya dress.

"And it's bound to be loud, crowded, filthy, and otherwise chaotic. The clue is in the name," Touya snarked back with a smirk.

"Why is it that every time I suggest we do something fun, you say no," Shindou pouted. "Do you even know _how_ to have fun?"

Waya didn't notice the hurt in Touya's eyes, but Nase did, and she cut in quickly. "We might not have enough money for a carnival, Shindou-kun. Maybe we can just go sightseeing instead."

Touya smiled. "That's a wonderful idea, Nase-san."

"No, it's not," the bleach-banged pro whined. "There's nothing here but churches and graveyards, and I want to do something that doesn't involve me being surrounded by dead people all day!"

"I vote with Shindou," Waya interjected smugly, resisting the urge to stick out his tongue at Touya, who had tilted his head just enough to narrow his eyes at him. So he agreed that wandering around all day going 'Look! A grave! Ooh! Another grave! Oh, and over there! Another grave!' sounded...well...depressing. It wasn't like he was disagreeing with Touya on purpose. For once.

"Isumiiii," Nase sing-songed with a coy smile as the oldest of their group walked in, rubbing his hair dry, "what would you rather do? Blow all our money at a carnival, or check out the town?"

Raising one eyebrow, Isumi shrugged. "The manager said we pretty much saw the town on the drive in, so probably the carnival."

"Woohoo!" Shindou and Waya high-fived, prompting a withering glare from Touya and an irritated huff from Nase.

Oh, well. They'd get over it.

:::

Little Ed's Carnival of Chaos was every bit as loud, crowded, filthy, and otherwise chaotic as Touya had predicted, a fact which pleased Waya to no end. Even if the rest of the day went to hell, at least he could take comfort in the knowledge that he'd _really_ annoyed Touya Akira.

As Nase made a beeline for the rides, Shindou grabbed Touya by the sleeve and dragged him toward the midway.

"C'mon, Touya! I'll win you something!"

"I really don't think-"

Waya grinned at Isumi, who shook his head amusedly. They had long-since discovered Shindou's romantic designs on his rival (rather, Isumi had discovered them and flat-out informed Waya), and it never failed to entertain them. This was especially true when Shindou tried his hand at 'wooing' Touya, which he did every so often, usually with hilarious results like being banned from every bakery in Tokyo and accidentally convincing a men's apparel salesgirl that he had a bondage fetish.

"I'm going to get some cotton candy," Isumi proclaimed, nodding towards a booth that smelled wonderful, despite the sagging old woman behind the counter with the grimy face and the stained apron.

"Get me some," the younger man asked, turning to peer into a small, purple tent that smelled faintly of sandalwood. There was a sign over the flap of the tent, stating that it housed 'Medium Rair, Gypsy Fortune-Teller'. Sighing, Isumi loped over to the vendor, leaving Waya to duck into the smoky tent by himself.

"Welcome, Yoshitaka Waya," said a soft, accented voice.

"Um..." Squinting, Waya could make out the shape of a woman. At least, he assumed it was a woman. She had long, dark hair that curled wildly about her face, was clad head to toe in layers of bright colors that clashed terribly, and there was something very odd about her eyes. She beckoned him with one finger.

"You seek answers, yes? About life, about love. Come closer."

As if in a trance, Waya shuffled closer to her. _How did she know my name? This isn't right,_ he thought frantically, trying to make his body turn back around and leave. Instead, it stopped in front of the fortune-teller and leaned over to peer into the crystal ball.

Isumi peered back at him.

_What the...what is this?_

"You seek love, yes? Yet you fear consequences. Fear is your weakness. Without it, you will achieve all you dream of."

There were colors in the ball now, liquid and iridescent, like looking through a bubble on a sunny day. Isumi's face blurred and melted into the glistening swirl, little eddies twirling within the crystal...around and around...and around...

"I will help you find your courage," a soft voice said. He was warm inside, but somehow hollow, as though he was filled with nothing but summer air. He smelled tea and wood, heard the clear _pachi! pachi!_ of Go stones and Isumi's gentle laughter...

He wasn't in the tent anymore. There were silvery mirrors all around, and he could see himself reflected endlessly. Part of him wondered why he was following the rustling form of the fortune-teller, but mostly he was floating endlessly through space, stars winking at him. No, he was winking at himself. And...and one of him was waving. Another rolled his eyes. And there, in front of him, was-

Hands slammed into his back, shoving him roughly forward. Instead of the shattering and sharpness and bleeding he expected, there was an uncomfortable sensation of slipping through a thin layer of water and falling flat on his face on the other side.

The last thing he saw before everything faded away was two gleaming eyes, black where they should be white and white where they should be black, watching him with glee. And beside the woman who Waya knew was not human, was...was...

_Why is there a moustache,_ he thought.

Then he was no more.

:::

A/N - Oh, noes! Have I killed poor Waya? You'll have to wait for the next chapter to find out! Mwahahahaha!

Yes, I know, I come up with the weirdest ideas. Well, maybe not the weirdest (I didn't invent Bedazzling, after all), but my ideas are definitely up there. As you may or may not have noticed, this will pretty much be entirely a poorly-disguised crack!fic. As an added benefit, knowledge of Buffy isn't required to understand it, though I can't promise you won't miss a few in-jokes.

Snippets from Chapter Two: Coulrophobia Is No Laughing Matter -

"Clown!"

There was no thought involved. One second, he was laughing at his rival, and the next, there was a heavy mallet in his hands and a dead clown at his feet.

xxx

For one terrifying moment, Akira thought the clowns had eaten Isumi.

xxx

"Why me?" Hikaru wailed, pelting his opponent with milk bottles. "Why do the dead people always find me?"

xxx

Waya cackled maniacally. "Run all you like, Isumi! I'll have you chained to my bed before long!"

Peace!

Akiko =)


	2. Coulrophobia Is No Laughing Matter

Little Ed's Carnival of Chaos

:::

By: Akiko, Keeper of Sheep

:::

Chapter Two: Coulrophobia Is No Laughing Matter

::::::::::

They were three dart games, two ring toss games, one net-climbing game, six milk bottle games, one fishing game, and four water gun racing games into the midway (or, if you want an alternative counting system, one stuffed giraffe, one stuffed unicorn, two stuffed dogs, three goldfish, six glowsticks, two whistles, a smiley face beach ball, and a neon pink jester hat with bells on) when Shindou spotted it.

"Hey, Touya, how about I win you that," he shouted, pointing enthusiastically and nearly taking a carnie's eye out in the process.

Akira sighed. It wasn't as though he wasn't flattered. No one had ever tried to win things for him before, and it was kind of nice to get that sort of attention. The downside, however, was the large plastic bag full of things he didn't need (or, in fact, particularly want) that he would have to find space for in his luggage.

Peering down at the goldfish bag in his other hand, he watched Seki, Sente, and Sabaki wriggle about in their little plastic world and wondered if goldfish counted as carry-on.

"Hey, old man! This game is rigged!"

Heaving a weary sigh, Akira turned from his fishy contemplation to mediate yet another confrontation between Shindou and the man in charge of the bell ringing game.

A flash of fire-engine red in his peripheral vision gave him pause.

_It couldn't be...could it?_

But when he'd slowly tilted his head, all he could see was a small child with pigtails and half the contents of her Sno Cone on the front of her shirt.

_My imagination. It must be._

As he calmed Shindou and explained to the carnie that no, his friend wasn't accusing him of anything, and no, he wasn't currently medicated, he caught another glimpse of something. It was pasty white this time, and Akira could feel his pulse begin to race.

_We are at a carnival. It would make sense._

But again, when he turned to look, there was nothing there.

"Touya-kun, have you seen Waya," Isumi asked softly, causing Akira to jump about ten feet in the air and nearly drop his fish.

Now the carnie was looking at _him_ like maybe nice men in white coats should be contacted surreptitiously. Blushing madly, Akira shook his head. "Er, n-no, Isumi-san. M-maybe he went on the rides with Nase-san?"

"Maybe." Isumi puffed out his cheeks in an annoyed sigh. "I told him I was getting cotton candy," he continued, almost jabbing one of the sticks of cavity-creating carnival confection up Akira's nose in his contentiousness. "He even made me buy him one. I should give it to Shindou, just to tick him off," the older man finished with an uncharacteristic grumble.

For his part, Akira was only half-listening. He could have sworn he'd seen a pair of oversized shoes peeking out from underneath a tent flap, and he was beginning to shiver violently. Shoving his prizes into Isumi's arms (and nearly sending both tufts of pink candy flying), Akira bowed slightly.

"I'll go find him," he started to say shakily, but alas, his escape was neatly thwarted.

"Look, Mommy! Mister Bobbo!"

Akira's mind went blank.

"**Omaeo korosu, Inakamono-san!**"

There was no thought involved. One second, his rival was laughing at him, and the next, there was a heavy mallet in his hands and a dead clown at his feet.

He panicked for a second. After all, he'd just killed a clown. This might have been America, but surely there were laws against murdering children's entertainers, even in Southern California. Visions of black-and-white stripes and chain gangs and bikers named Bubba saying 'you mah bitch now' flooded his mind. He couldn't go to prison. He was far too pretty for prison.

As it happened, his fear was unjustified.

Mister Bobbo, as a nearby child had dubbed it, was slowly picking itself up off the ground, groaning like the undead. Which wasn't very odd, because it was undead, as Akira could plainly see when its be-wigged head lifted up. That one, terror-filled mallet strike had unhinged its jaw so that it dangled from its face by a few shreds of facepainted flesh.

_As if regular clowns aren't creepy enough_, Akira thought disgustedly.

Then, all hell broke loose.

:::

Hikaru wasn't certain what had gone wrong.

He had been having a wonderful time playing games, winning Touya all manner of wonderful prizes (one of which was sure to touch the Go prodigy so much that he'd instantly fall in love with Hikaru, and they could go have hot, sweaty rival sex behind the Tilt-A-Whirl) and eating a corn dog. He was sure Touya was getting over his trepidation at being at the carnival. The other man had even named his goldfish, which surely meant he was mere seconds away from being relaxed enough for rival sex!

Oddly, though, Touya did not drag him away to perform illicit acts upon Hikaru's willing person. In fact, he seemed to be getting tenser and tenser the longer they lingered by the bell ringing game. As he had yet to hear Touya cry 'take me now, my beloved', he could only assume it wasn't because he was anxious to get to the lovin'. In fact, Hikaru had noticed an odd correlation between the number of clowns in the general vicinity and the ferocity with which Touya shivered.

_Touya's...afraid...of clowns?_

Hikaru tried to fit this strangely-shaped piece into his mental Touya-Puzzle. It seemed incongruous that the ever-collected, logical Touya Akira would be afraid of something so silly as clowns. Sure, the creepy ones with sharp teeth and chainsaws that would pop up in houses of horror were kind of creepy, but regular clowns? Who would ever be scared of regular clowns?

And then there was a hulking great clown with weird, yellowed eyes and missing teeth looming behind Touya, and a little boy shouting "Look, Mommy! Mister Bobbo!", and Akira was screaming death threats and swinging a mallet, and oh, look. Zombie Clown.

_Zombie Clown?_

Blinking, Hikaru took a step back, then another, and bumped into something that honked at him playfully. Slowly, ever so slowly, he turned his head.

"Zombie Clown," he screamed (in a manly way, of course), thrusting out both hands and sending the new threat tumbling backwards onto the bell game target.

**BONG!**

As though the sound of Hikaru finally winning at the game ("Ha!") was some sort of signal, a small army of clowns shuffled out of the crowd, circling around the Go pros and chuckling in that eerie, not-quite-right clown way. As Touya didn't look to be giving up the mallet any time soon, Hikaru quickly scanned the area for a weapon of his own. No way was he going to let his soon-to-be-partner-in-sexy-time-fun fight this battle alone!

Leaping over the counter of the milk bottle game, Hikaru grabbed a pair of heavy ("I knew these were weighted, you cheating bastards!") bottles and lobbed them at the nearest clown, knocking off its nose (both the squeaky red one, and the real one) and putting a sizeable dent in its forehead.

_This is not good._

:::

As Akira swung his mallet blindly, knocking jewel-tone-clad limbs off left and right, he could hear Shindou bellowing from his fortified position. He felt a bit less horrified with the knowledge that he wasn't battling this evil alone. At the very least, providing they survived this, there would be one other person who wouldn't be tempted to lock him away in a padded room if he brought up undead clowns.

_Wait, one other person? Isumi-san!_

Daring a quick glance around, Akira realized that their easy-going friend was nowhere to be seen. For one terrifying moment, Akira thought the clowns had actually eaten Isumi. He was relieved, therefore, to spot the man legging it towards the exit.

_At least he'll escape alive,_ Akira thought nobly. _He could've at least tried to help,_ the less-noble side of his personality griped as he knocked a midget zombie clown's head into the popcorn vendor's booth. Just behind him, he could hear the dull clunk of wooden bottles making contact with undead faces.

"Why me," Shindou was wailing, pelting his opponents with makeshift projectiles. "Why do the dead people always find me?"

Which was a strange fate to bemoan - normal people didn't often find themselves beseiged by hordes of the dead (or undead, in this case). Then again, since when was anything about Shindou normal?

He was startled out of his ponderings by a stream of water to the face. Wiping his eyes roughly, Akira hefted his mallet and sent the clown with the gaudy plastic flower soaring. He couldn't afford to get careless now. He would show these clowns that messing with Touya Akira was the worst decision they'd ever made, or die trying.

:::

As Touya made a brave stand against the insane clown posse and Shindou launched a counter-offensive comprised mainly of plush starfish (having run out of bottles in short order), a lone figure snickered to himself.

His dark eyes followed the prime target, racing for the exit with two sticks of cotton candy in one hand and a bag of goldfish in the other. Twirling his pencil-thin moustache around one gloved finger in a sinister manner, Waya cackled maniacally.

"Run all you like, Isumi! I'll have you chained to my bed before long!"

And with a swish of his black silk cape, he vanished back into the shadows.

:::

A/N - Another chapter! Yay! And it's just as weird and insensible as the first! Yay! And Waya has a moustache! Yay!

The moustache thing is inspired, in part, by a piece of fanart on deviantArt wherein the Autobots peek into an alternate universe where they're all evil, and the only difference is that they all have curly moustaches.  
>Teehee.<br>The clown-fight is inspired by...well...a clown fight. For details, read CrazyGirl47's incredibly hilarious Power Ranger's fanfiction, 'Of Love and Bunnies'. It's totally worth it.  
>Ahem. Anyway, I feel the need to point out that the crew are older than they are in the series; Hikaru and Touya are 19, Waya and Nase are 20, and Isumi is 23. I was pretty sure that those ages conformed to their canon age differences, but if I've cocked that up, let me know.<p>

**Translation Note:**

Akira (being Akira) named his goldfish after Go terms. Not that I think anyone's all that interested (or ignorant of Go), but if you are, read on:

Seki: "mutual life". An impasse that can't be made into simple life-and-death.

Sente: "initiative" or "preceding hand". In simplest terms, being on the offensive. A player with sente controls the flow of the game, while the player on the defensive (gote) is forced to respond.

Sabaki: Creating a flexible position that the opponent will have difficulty attacking.

(No, of _course_ I didn't choose these three terms in some kind of attempt to be subtly ironic and hint at my HikaAki bias. They just sound nice. *coughcough*)

As for Akira's war-cry:

"Omaeo korosu, Inakamono-san!": You will be killed, Mr. Clown! No, I don't think Akira realizes he's stolen Heero Yuy's shtick, but I don't remember Heero ever trying to flatten Relena with a big mallet, so I don't think anyone's going to court over it.

All those in favor of watching a version of Gundam Wing with mallets in lieu of guns, say 'aye'.

Snippets from Chapter Three: Silver Screen Debut -

"Hey! Do I look like a damsel in distress to you?"

Surveying the young woman he'd just tied to the tracks critically, Top Hat raised one eyebrow.

Nase sighed through her nose. "Oh, shut up."

xxx

"You can run, but you can't hide," the Not-Waya shouted, shaking one fist as Isumi made his getaway. He never even saw the VW bus coming.

xxx

"How the heck did he fit a piano on a rollercoaster?"

xxx

Father Everest blinked as the Chinese dragon rolled to a squeaky stop in front of the church and, with a rustle of vibrant cloth and bells, expelled a red-faced man with determined eyes. Gesturing at the startled priest with a somewhat-squashed plume of cotton candy (in a way that was somehow both threatening and desperate), the man took a second to catch his breath.

"Can I...help you, young man?"

"Yes," the wheezing youth said with a distinctly Eastern accent, "you can help me. I have a carnival game that needs blessing."

Peace!

Akiko =)


End file.
